Am I hallucinating? Is this fever induced dementia? Madness caused by illness? I'm off work sick and the only thing I can deal (snigger) with is afternoon TV. Deal Or No Deal is on channel 4 and it's been overrun by monsters and the undead! It looks like the cast of Thriller, but more evil and less funky. Noel Edmonds is Lucifer, resplendent in horns, a died black goatee and a solitary Mr T-esque earring. This means he looks even more sinister than usual. The contestants are all bloodied up, bedraggled zombies, one with a tire track mark accross his face. The whooping, squealing undead player is called Gaynor. She looks not unlike the victim of sex crime.
Before opening her box, Andrea, a zombie with one silver glove, forlornly utters "This is the hardest thing I've ever done." (Probably due to the loss of motor skills following rapid necrosis). £250,000 was in her spider covered box. It's accompanied by the groan of the asembled ghoul throng and an 80's sound effect of a banshee wailing.
The mysterious Banker (dressed as a violent spiv, I imagine) calls and says there's a spooky new choice for Gaynor to make. Choose the coffin or the gravestone. One is a trick, one is a treat. She picks the treat which cues Thriller to be played but sadly no expected dancing. The treat is a holiday to Madrid, a favourite destination of those who feast on human brains I'm sure you'll agree. I wonder what the trick was. A harsh reach around from Edmonds, perhaps?
50p, £10 and £100,000 remain. Tony with his bandaged head reveals the £100K. Gaynor laughs, her brain little more than a box of sloshing goo now. At least she got that holiday. She could infect the conquistadors. Unlike them, she wouldn't require Small Pox doused blankets.
This macabre twist on the show isn't even mentioned on Teletext. I feel dirty and diabolical. I hope this fiendish experience was real.
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