When the apocalypse comes and I inevitably become a zombie, catatonic yet insatiably ravenous for delicious, wholesome brains, this is a list of the minds I’d chow down on and what their memories might taste like:
1. Bubbles the Chimp
Following the demise of Bubbles’ funky despot master and his subsequent ban from funeral attendance due to bouts of cheeky angry monkey business, his simian intellect will have gone decidedly stringy. With each brain munch I take, his mournful chattering would make me weep pathogen filled tears of undead remorse back into his skull making a hearty shame/brain broth.
2. Marcus a.k.a. ‘Wolverine’ from big Brother 10
His grey matter would be tough and full of horrible lumps of gristle, tasting precisely like his 90’s vests mixed with Jean Claude Van Damme’s mullet gel. His noggin’s Irony Gland would be impenetrable like an avocado stone made of cartoon machismo smothered in cod-cockney special needs liquid bullshit.
3. Ben Fogle
His dandy cerebellum would be protein rich and taste like candyfloss and bicuriosity. Like a shemale’s brunch. With each cortex chomp, he’d revert another step closer to his St Trinian’s childhood, gurgling and cooing gloopy head goo in my nonplussed necrotic face. He’d probably sponsor me £10 per chomped facial feature and donate all funds to James Cracknell’s latest pomposity vehicle.
4. Shia LeBoef
With the consistency of jellied tramp vomit, the destroyer of future Indiana Jones movies’ bonce would taste like ruined classic movies because he looks like fucking Rainman in Transformers 2. His lifetime recollections would taste exactly like Harrison Ford swimming in a pool of cash and tutting. The only knowledge I’d gain would be that of tarte, underseasoned disappointment.
5. Davina McCall
A rich and elegant tasting mind, like steak tartare spoonfed to me by honey coated cherubs to the sound of ‘My Sherona’ played by Tchaikovsky and La Roux. No hang on, that’s the degenerative effects of the zombie virus mangling my cognitive functions. Her cranium would taste like a shrieking crow drowning in acidic patronising hair products. The heart burn would be a motherfucker.
Lip smacking.
