aPORKalypse Sow/HAMaggedon

aPORKalypse Sow
Francis Ford Coppola's ultra grim 'Nam masterpiece is reimagined in modern recession soaked hysteria. Marlon Brando's haunting renegade Colonel Walter E Kurtz to be played by stargazing Gamesmaster Patrick Moore. He commands a legion of piggy troops, enraged that the value of their sty's have decreased, and brainwashes them with horror stories of how cows and birds were "sorted out" with BSE and Bird Flu by American troops. Pee Wee Herman for Martin Sheen's Benjamin L Willard. Most expensive scene likely to be where lots of power suited grey people dressed like '50's bankers leap from helicopters clutching horrifying news broadcast style monolithic letters spelling 'CREDIT CRUNCH' to Wagner's ''Ride of the Valkyries' whilst lumpen blagging financial analysts surf in nearby body-filled waters. All accompanied by the smell of useless valueless napalm cash. Special Redux edition features an alternative ending where all humans slowly give up and die from constant sensationalist doom. "The horror... the horror." indeed.

HAMaggedon
Bruce Willis reprises his truly harrowing role as balding average Joe deep drilling douche who just happens to be totally fine doing crazy space stuff. It turns out that the crux of all human fears i.e. THE RECESSION and SWINE FLU (this is the most blood curdling font I can get) are the brain children of radical Muslim clerics and thin, pale vegetarians hell bent on forcibly teaching us bloody pork gobbling heathens a lesson. Oh, and a giant asteroid made entirely of Spam and hotdogs is hurtling toward Earth faster than your plumeting house price. To add to the general feeling of end-of-the-world dread, Aerosmith's 'I Don't Want to Miss a Thing" will be constantly whisper-crooned by that woman from Britain's Got Talent.

The Big 310 Special

Hello there, my cultist pretties!

It is with a swollen heart that I am proud to announce the 310th viewer of this, my shambling narcissistic bile duct Aim For The Head!

In honour of this gargantuan occasion which easily rivals that of say, the fall of the Berlin Wall or the invention of custard, and in celebration of today's modern interactive age, at your request I will perform one bespoke act that I will capture on camera as proof.

Any and every request will be entertained but I reserve the right to veto the banal or atrocious (like shitting on a nun or eating pie with a soup spoon). Make it worthwhile.

Get involved. Hard. Order me around like a bitch here or tweet me on Twitter.

Bear Eats Kids' Face Off! (Probably)

Belgian newspapers are awesome. This was on the front page. I can't read Flemish so I naturally assume the child was horrifically mauled.

Goddamn computers, Pip

Imagine a striking picture of a sunrise behind dramatic clounds over the bay of a spectacular promenade. That's the photograph I took that my bastard computer won't let me upload. There's no penises on it or anything.
Anyway, I emailed it to pip@itv.com because she told me to on a weather report. I accompanied it with the following message:

"Dear Pip
Please find attached a photo I recently took on my mobile of a delicious sunrise. It reminded me of you, because you are tasty.
Please display my photo on your next weather report, which might I add are always excellent, sexy and fun.
I love two things. You and Motley Crue. If you love me, read my name out as Troy and pronounce 'Isle of Man' a bit like ' I love man'.
Yours achingly,
Tony"

I'll keep watching to see if they broadcast my picture and if Pip wants my rod. I'll keep you posted and advise if the police investigate me. Anyway, the jokes on Pip as I took the photo months ago while drunk. Take that, the man.

Ideas for new TV shows that will improve your sex life and cure the recession

Weather Reports at Gunpoint
The humble, nay banal weather report is spiced up as the presenters perform in front of a live firing squad. Little do they know, the machine guns are harmless water pistols but if they get the weather wrong, their next of kin are married off to Nazi war criminals. Will they crack and blurt out “Typhoon in Bromley!”?

Raped by William Shatner
The former Star Trek big cheese and an excitable contestant are locked in a derelict hospital. Capt Kirk shuffles around, buggering popular songs in his inimitable dementia inducing spoken word style. Can the contestant avoid their mind from unraveling and find the Spock Ears of Freedom, avoiding the inevitable scat rape frenzy? Not if the viewers get their way – they can give Bill clues by pressing the red button on their sky remote. Like an interactive Deal or No Deal with non consensual raunch.

Beatbox Bingo Bonanza
Bingo numbers are announced urban style by street yoofs. “Yo, all the one’s bra bra bra!” and “Oh my gosh, 6!” for example. Instead of shouting “House!” the elderly winners have to do the worm up to the announcers’ podium. Prizes include a street tagged caravan and a years subscription to Channel U, Home of Grime.

Heston Blunenthal gets Crunk!
Famed experimental Michelin star dinner man Heston gets fucked up on crack and liquid nitrogen to produce some truly twisted lunatic recipes or ‘outlandishes’. Giraffe eyes with Apartheid Mash, Monotheism vs. Egg, Cheesy Swan Aorta and TexMex Tears.

You can smell the house prices rising.