Saturday, 22 November 2008
Tuesday, 18 November 2008
Hideous Strange Painting
I saw this painting in the hall of a mildly terrifying house a friend of mine is currently renting a room in.
I’m not Alan Yentob, granted, but what I see in this frightening work is a young boy sucking an adult woman’s belly button with Peel Castle in the background.
Part of me hopes that she has hidden a gobstopper there so the little tinker (read: future sex offender) doesn’t scoff it too quickly and choke to death, and instead has to savour it through the weave of her dress. Although, look at her. She’d probably write a folk song about that. She looks like Enya gone evil.
Perhaps the most disturbing thing is the marked erotic undertone. That young boy looks like he’s trying to suck the bend out of a river. He’s loving it. The increasingly villainous woman looks like she’s doing the best she can to reenact her favourite Mills and Boon sauce scene in lieu of A) an adult male B) appropriate lube or C) any clue as to how this will decimate simple island folk’s conventional raunch taboos. She’s either got him so twisted on crack that he loves the taste of lady lint, or he’s autistic and a mouthful of dress and navel in a sea breeze next to a castle is the only thing that calms him down. Tony Heart must be rolling in his grave.
I’m not Alan Yentob, granted, but what I see in this frightening work is a young boy sucking an adult woman’s belly button with Peel Castle in the background.
Part of me hopes that she has hidden a gobstopper there so the little tinker (read: future sex offender) doesn’t scoff it too quickly and choke to death, and instead has to savour it through the weave of her dress. Although, look at her. She’d probably write a folk song about that. She looks like Enya gone evil.
Perhaps the most disturbing thing is the marked erotic undertone. That young boy looks like he’s trying to suck the bend out of a river. He’s loving it. The increasingly villainous woman looks like she’s doing the best she can to reenact her favourite Mills and Boon sauce scene in lieu of A) an adult male B) appropriate lube or C) any clue as to how this will decimate simple island folk’s conventional raunch taboos. She’s either got him so twisted on crack that he loves the taste of lady lint, or he’s autistic and a mouthful of dress and navel in a sea breeze next to a castle is the only thing that calms him down. Tony Heart must be rolling in his grave.
Wednesday, 12 November 2008
An Open Letter To Someone
Ref: SOS/121108/TW
To whom it may concern
Are the many flaws you see in other people merely reflections of that which you hate about yourself? Do you self correct these traits so much that gradually you get to the other side of the spectrum and end up being irritating in the opposite way? For example if some chump speaks so slowly that you can actually feel the tumour start growing on your brain by the time they’ve finished a sentence, that you in turn speak faster than a cheetah being fired from a cannon mounted on Lewis Hamilton’s front spoiler at Monaco? So, if you hate strangers and friends alike do you essentially detest yourself, but are too caught up in self preservation and pasta sauce and sitcoms to do anything about it?
Keep up the good work with ladies boobs, chips ‘n dips and zombies.
Yours faithfully
Tony Toofast
To whom it may concern
Are the many flaws you see in other people merely reflections of that which you hate about yourself? Do you self correct these traits so much that gradually you get to the other side of the spectrum and end up being irritating in the opposite way? For example if some chump speaks so slowly that you can actually feel the tumour start growing on your brain by the time they’ve finished a sentence, that you in turn speak faster than a cheetah being fired from a cannon mounted on Lewis Hamilton’s front spoiler at Monaco? So, if you hate strangers and friends alike do you essentially detest yourself, but are too caught up in self preservation and pasta sauce and sitcoms to do anything about it?
Keep up the good work with ladies boobs, chips ‘n dips and zombies.
Yours faithfully
Tony Toofast
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