Hello and welcome to another thrilling instalment of Celebrity Come Dine With Me starring such luminaries as Super Barack Obama, Manic Mayor Boris Johnson, Cheeky Chappy Robert Mugabe and The Nation’s Favourite Pop Starlet Cheryl Cole.
First up we’re at Barack Obama’s modest abode, the Whitehouse. Having been successfully inaugurated, Barack is eager for some down time and relishes the opportunity for a relaxed evening “I stand here today humbled by the task before us, grateful for the trust you have bestowed, mindful of the sacrifices borne by our ancestors.” before prepping some grilled cheese on toast for his starter. Wife Michelle just can’t wait for the guests to taste his grits, dramatically served aboard Air Force One. Barack ends the night with “Top that, plebs.”.
London Borough badboy Boris Johnson is up next but he’s not feeling the pressure of following the world’s most powerful man, “Pyramid of piffle.“. That’s no way to speak of Barack’s elegant Ferrero Roche desert, Boris. He opts for an unusual concoction of “Davidstow cheddar and a few tangerines. Also half a litre of Chilean red wine of some description.” Just to have an effect on the night’s scores, Ken Livingstone calls Boris, confusing him with algebra and he ends up burning his pork belly. After babbling incoherently about bendy buses and falling to his knees in tears, Cheryl ruffles Boris’ hair in a caring embrace and whispers “you’ll be reet like, pet”.
Wanting to improve spirits after last night’s debacle, Cheryl gets busy making husband Ashley’s favourite jelly and ice cream. This cheers Boris up no end but Robert just furrows his brow and pokes at it muttering something about only God being able to choose his pudding. Barack is moved to utter “On this day, we gather because we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord.”. Profound, Mr President, but nobody noticed once Cheryl started tickling Robert to get him to crack a smile. Robert loved this and even helped with the washing up. “Who said genocidal despots are all bad, like?! I think I’ll give him backstage tickets to the next Girls Aloud show in Zimbabwe!”.
Tons of fun Robert, is hosting a costume party for his night, in a bid to move away from his ‘horrific tyrant’ image the bloody press have generated. He’s hired the best Top Gun outfit Zimbabwean Dollars can buy and looks the spit of Maverick playing topless volleyball. He’s pulled out all the stops; dolphin hearts for starter, the cryptically titled ‘the meat’ for the main course and gingerbread child soldiers for desert. Boris cracks everyone up, arriving in a toga and looking hilariously like a drunken cave man angel. Cheryl turns up in a very convincing Stephen Hawking number and Barack has secretly sent his Fillipino lookalike. Occasionally strained but mostly wonderful times ensue.
Cheryl shares the £1,000.00 prize because she’s so thoroughly down to Earth and because Robert was getting cranky.
