The perfect contingency plan?Monday, 23 June 2008
Sunday, 22 June 2008
Vomit! Sick! Barf!
Big Brother on friday night. I witnessed a ultra tanned stout wise guy and a robotic lady of indiscernible age indulge in the most awkward foreplay man has ever known. It was like watching your parents get jiggy. Imagine your parents pounding away at it. Then them catching you watching and then you all high five each other.
The portly goombah turned the robo dame on by half singing/half humming Total Eclipse of the Heart in a strange high pitched yelp. A bit like a comatose altar boy mid nightmare. After spanking the lovedroid, tons of fun took it to the bed and actually in real life said "I'm just dipping my custard cream into this hot, juicy tea.".
Juicy tea?! Not even Scouse porn would use that line. Then they kissed, both with mouths full of chewed biscuit. Like they were softening food up for each other with added slobbering tongue.
There's one answer to the problem of the self obsessed BB contestant shitbags: Release angry, hungry, horny tigers into the house. Then machine-gunning Nazis. Then Tony Jaa so he can flying knee the douches. Then an Indiana Jones crushing ceiling. Then scorpions. I'd love to see that.
The portly goombah turned the robo dame on by half singing/half humming Total Eclipse of the Heart in a strange high pitched yelp. A bit like a comatose altar boy mid nightmare. After spanking the lovedroid, tons of fun took it to the bed and actually in real life said "I'm just dipping my custard cream into this hot, juicy tea.".
Juicy tea?! Not even Scouse porn would use that line. Then they kissed, both with mouths full of chewed biscuit. Like they were softening food up for each other with added slobbering tongue.
There's one answer to the problem of the self obsessed BB contestant shitbags: Release angry, hungry, horny tigers into the house. Then machine-gunning Nazis. Then Tony Jaa so he can flying knee the douches. Then an Indiana Jones crushing ceiling. Then scorpions. I'd love to see that.
Monday, 16 June 2008
Scream for me Donnington!
I went to Download Festival at Donnington this weekend. KISS rocked so hard, they sexed my face clean off. They descended to the stage from the heavens, breathed fire, flew into the crowd on a rip cord and had more pyro and fireworks than Jesus and Santa put together. Best. Live band. Ever.
Lick it up! Lick it up! Woah-oh-oh! I'm talking right now!
Tuesday, 10 June 2008
Think Andy Peters. Bad guy in The Running Man. Cleaning up futuristic RoboCop style streets.
Found this in the Drafts section of my mobile as a message to myself:-
Idea for new hit TV show: Andy Peters. Street rat terminator (of Chavs, sex pests, the vile and demented, nuisance elderly etc). Zero Tolerance. Ultra violent. Anneka Rice/Crystal Maze style. Head sets. Snazzy jump suit. Edgy/sexy cameo each episode - Prince or Jimmy Saville for pilot? Possible catchphrase: "Andy crush bad man now!". Moral dilemma when Andy suddenly realises that maybe he's being a bad man? Could be season finale cliff hanger.
Idea for new hit TV show: Andy Peters. Street rat terminator (of Chavs, sex pests, the vile and demented, nuisance elderly etc). Zero Tolerance. Ultra violent. Anneka Rice/Crystal Maze style. Head sets. Snazzy jump suit. Edgy/sexy cameo each episode - Prince or Jimmy Saville for pilot? Possible catchphrase: "Andy crush bad man now!". Moral dilemma when Andy suddenly realises that maybe he's being a bad man? Could be season finale cliff hanger.
TT - More Meat Than Man
Ah, the Isle of Man's famous TT Week has just come to an end. Known as the Road Racing Capital of the World. It's two solid weeks of genuinely insanely talented motorcyclists, novelty faux outdoor boozing at Bushy's Beer Tent, and a vastly increased GP baiting intake of red meat (fnar fnar sounds like cock!).
Speaking of which, the Purple Helmets make their much lauded annual appearance. Each year they painstakingly reinact the story of the IOM from it's mystical beginnings, a skill which has been passed down by their bipedal Viking forefathers. The ancient Norse ancestors famously wheelied through rival villages, plundering riches and making aggressive yet sensual sexytime with the pick of the women, in preference of hot adventurous sauce wench down to puss filled boil hag. The revered ceremony climaxes with hand picked volunteers being gently crammed into a sort of Trojan sidecar before being tastefully set ablaze with restored WW2 flamethrowers. They finally drift out of Peel Bay to meet their forebears in Valhalla, otherwise known as the Calf of Man.
This TT I ate a 'Big Boy Hog' at Jeannie's Hog Roast. This consisted of 2 burgers, 2 sausages, 2 bacon rashers and sliced cheese in a bun. It was half the size of a girls head. incidentally, Jeannie was a super flirty MILF that totally wanted to be spit roasted. I'm also attending Download Festival this weekend and am mentally preparing for even more meat and beer.
Speaking of which, the Purple Helmets make their much lauded annual appearance. Each year they painstakingly reinact the story of the IOM from it's mystical beginnings, a skill which has been passed down by their bipedal Viking forefathers. The ancient Norse ancestors famously wheelied through rival villages, plundering riches and making aggressive yet sensual sexytime with the pick of the women, in preference of hot adventurous sauce wench down to puss filled boil hag. The revered ceremony climaxes with hand picked volunteers being gently crammed into a sort of Trojan sidecar before being tastefully set ablaze with restored WW2 flamethrowers. They finally drift out of Peel Bay to meet their forebears in Valhalla, otherwise known as the Calf of Man.
This TT I ate a 'Big Boy Hog' at Jeannie's Hog Roast. This consisted of 2 burgers, 2 sausages, 2 bacon rashers and sliced cheese in a bun. It was half the size of a girls head. incidentally, Jeannie was a super flirty MILF that totally wanted to be spit roasted. I'm also attending Download Festival this weekend and am mentally preparing for even more meat and beer.
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