aPORKalypse Sow
Francis Ford Coppola's ultra grim 'Nam masterpiece is reimagined in modern recession soaked hysteria. Marlon Brando's haunting renegade Colonel Walter E Kurtz to be played by stargazing Gamesmaster Patrick Moore. He commands a legion of piggy troops, enraged that the value of their sty's have decreased, and brainwashes them with horror stories of how cows and birds were "sorted out" with BSE and Bird Flu by American troops. Pee Wee Herman for Martin Sheen's Benjamin L Willard. Most expensive scene likely to be where lots of power suited grey people dressed like '50's bankers leap from helicopters clutching horrifying news broadcast style monolithic letters spelling 'CREDIT CRUNCH' to Wagner's ''Ride of the Valkyries' whilst lumpen blagging financial analysts surf in nearby body-filled waters. All accompanied by the smell of useless valueless napalm cash. Special Redux edition features an alternative ending where all humans slowly give up and die from constant sensationalist doom. "The horror... the horror." indeed.
HAMaggedon
Bruce Willis reprises his truly harrowing role as balding average Joe deep drilling douche who just happens to be totally fine doing crazy space stuff. It turns out that the crux of all human fears i.e. THE RECESSION and SWINE FLU (this is the most blood curdling font I can get) are the brain children of radical Muslim clerics and thin, pale vegetarians hell bent on forcibly teaching us bloody pork gobbling heathens a lesson. Oh, and a giant asteroid made entirely of Spam and hotdogs is hurtling toward Earth faster than your plumeting house price. To add to the general feeling of end-of-the-world dread, Aerosmith's 'I Don't Want to Miss a Thing" will be constantly whisper-crooned by that woman from Britain's Got Talent.
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