:(

Have you ever had the kind of news that makes you feel like you're being torn in a hundred directions? Being ripped to pieces by the flesh lusting undead, cold and indifferent in their binary motivation? Neither satisfied nor forlorn once their grisly goal is met. Now that you're becoming necrotic bile, you have passing through rotten tract to look forward to, mixing with putrid semi digested foodstuffs and the freshly devoured flesh of your loved ones/neighbours' annoying pet. Then hopefully when you're finally stuffed through the decayed sphincter of your reanimated gourmand, you get to become a ghastly waste product of your own repugnant body, save only for the fact that your dream hasn't come true and you're suddenly horrifically aware that the mess you realize your life is in, is entirely of your own doing?

This is my pitch for a new kids tv show called Timely Epiphany of a Coward. I'm in talks with known sex offenders The Chuckle Bros and Toblerone addict Chico for the theme tune.

(PS. Any legal minded people, please be aware that these are simply dirty lies regarding Messrs Chuckle and Chico. All three are sexy and humble upstanding citizens and not related to said activities.)